The final week! To be able to set down my pen and reflect on what I’ve learned over the course of this Scholarship is daunting – after six full weeks of heavy research, poetry output and lots (and lots) of editing, to be able to call my work ‘complete’ seems huge. Even though I know it’s not complete complete, this initial stage is over. I have a first draft.
After much discussion with my supervisor Ian, we have decided to finalise the first draft as the output of this scholarship and seek publication through local presses and, failing that, continue with editing and self-publish in the future. It would be all too easy to rush the work for the thrill of a finished copy, but the work is ultimately a work in progress.
However, I have a first draft: a hefty wad of paper too thick for my stapler, something that feels new and good. The draft consists of 25 full poems although some may be lost after a bout of future editing.
Ordering the poems was a difficult decision and not undertaken lightly: mental health is not linear, in healing nor suffering, so the poems could not follow a ‘bad times’ to ‘good times’ narrative without being trite and untrue to its message. Therefore I was careful to intersperse the themes of humour and darkness in changing measures; the positive poems are not together but separated throughout the draft, similarly to the less happy poems. Opening with the title poem ‘Talk to my poems’, I wanted to really put across the message of my work and my motivations, which I feel this poem does. The end poem, ‘Three Guesses’ uses the interplay of fairy-tales and a little dark wit to suggest the comfort and familiarity of mental health struggles, suggesting the ongoing struggle but not being completely pessimistic about it. I am still struggling with my mental health and expect to be for a long time, however, I am able to see positives and kindnesses within this that really help me. ‘Three Guesses’ was also one of the first poems I wrote about self-harm and I have a real connection to this early honesty.
So what has this Scholarship taught me? I have spent six weeks not only researching mental health but considering my own, with a focus on my gender. Being able to pull together this focus and really consider my own struggles with a view to ultimately helping others has an amazing sense of achievement. In doing this I have become more determined and confident in sharing parts of myself that I might be ashamed of, or would prefer hidden, with a positive outlook on what this means. Poetry is a voice of communication, and this communication cannot be only about positive things – the necessary dark sides of human life must be considered also. Personally, I have become far more open about my experiences, and more confident in expressing doubt in myself – as well as expressing the positive and understanding my achievements.
Academically, I have gained the research experience that will aid me in my upcoming dissertation and developed a research base that will also be of great help – utilising the Scottish Poetry Library, Moniack Mhor’s own library, and the vast resources of the UHI itself has given me a firm grounding in how I can use these establishments in ways that work for me, and benefit my research.
This new confidence has lead me to pushing myself further than before, and I will therefore be performing some of my work from this period at Uncon 2.0, in Perth Theatre Hall on the 22nd September. Though this will be a challenge, reading my secrets on stage for an audience, it is one I feel ready to take, and one I believe is of sound benefit to the audience. Uncon 2.0 plans to showcase youth art and the importance of the creative industries to young people growing up in Scotland. This is a cause very close to my heart, of course, and the drive behind my own project with this Scholarship.
Poetry, or any creative outlet, is an amazing asset to those suffering with mental health. To be able to understand, challenge, or simply record your battles is a sort of self-validation. Saying ‘I was here’, and ‘this happened’, is a fantastic aspect in itself, but the real power lies in the communication of these thoughts: to be able to tell someone other than yourself. By sharing my poetry and experiences in this project with an audience, I hope to validate others’ experience, maybe the ones who aren’t ready to talk yet, or don’t know what to say, I am reaching my poetry out as a voice.
In ‘Talk to my poems’, I hope I am instigating a conversation that is non-judgemental, honest and, sadly, usually unsaid. In the same way that Plath and Sexton and many more have written poetry that touched me, and gladdened me and saddened me, I hope to give someone that unique moment of confidence and companionship in misery and doubt, saying: ‘you’re not alone, and here’s the proof’.
As a final note, this project would not have been possible without the Carnegie’s generous say-so, therefore I extent my heartfelt thanks to the organisation for this opportunity and hope my work lives up to the expectations of my proposal.
This project also owes a great debt to Dr Ian Blyth, as my supervisor and sounding-board, thank you for taking this on with me and being generally brilliant and always available to email and/or chat. Also to the other staff of the UHI for their support and congratulations and equally brilliant natures; I wouldn’t be writing this blog now without the last few years of your direction.
Additional thanks to the Scottish Poetry Library and its staff, Moniack Mhor and its glorious bunch of creatives, and to the many wonderful books I’ve been able to fill my shelves with for this project.
And thanks to everyone who has read the blogs, or followed the tweets, or otherwise taken an interest in the project and asked more; I hope to share it all with you soon so you can all talk to my poems.